Spämmibottien vitsejä

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Spämmibottien vitsejä

Postby Ephief » Mon May 22, 2006 2:32 pm

Kun nyt noita spämmibotteja kuitenkin tänne eksyy ja ovat herrat/rouvat spämmääjät vaivautuneet jopa konfigutoimaan ne niin, että botit syöltävät epämääräisen tauhkan sijasta ihan koherentteja (joskin huonoja) vitsejä, niin voisihan niitä talteenkin ottaa..

---

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
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Postby Ephief » Wed May 24, 2006 9:10 am

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
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Postby Ephief » Sat May 27, 2006 8:18 am

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge and hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink."

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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Postby Ephief » Mon May 29, 2006 11:40 am

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.

The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief."
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Postby Ephief » Tue May 30, 2006 12:55 pm

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party alone. Since she was good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do If boys hit on her, so her mom said, it's very easy, whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, "what will be the name of our baby?" That will scare them off, so she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her, and little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him,"what will our baby be called?" the boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders........ She stopped him and asked him, "what will be the name of our baby?" he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, "what will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "what will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have s*x with her. "what will our baby be called?" she asked again. After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and said.... "if he gets out of this one.........he will be called ...............chuck norris!!!
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Postby Ephief » Thu Jun 01, 2006 12:21 pm

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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Postby _^^o » Fri Jun 02, 2006 11:54 am

A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being
seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK".

The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad."
Teoriassahan tuo on mahdotonta, mutta käytäntö kumoaa toistuvasti väitteen.
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Postby _^^o » Sat Jun 03, 2006 3:35 pm

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away.

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Teoriassahan tuo on mahdotonta, mutta käytäntö kumoaa toistuvasti väitteen.
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Postby Ephief » Mon Jun 05, 2006 3:22 pm

Women Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Postby Ephief » Tue Jun 06, 2006 10:40 am

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
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Postby Ephief » Tue Jun 06, 2006 3:24 pm

hi i forgot to post that i am new.

my name is darla and i am 26 years old

i have 16 cats and two dogs and fore chickens and three geckos and i have 1 brother 31 and two other sisters 21 and 23

i live in guam usa and im a white gal????? id like to meet all of the people here they seem very nice.
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Postby Ephief » Wed Jun 07, 2006 12:39 pm

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ’penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ’penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
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Postby Ephief » Wed Jun 07, 2006 7:27 pm

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "you know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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Postby Ephief » Thu Jun 08, 2006 9:20 am

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Postby Ephief » Fri Jun 09, 2006 4:04 pm

A prisoner escapes from prison where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy's dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...."
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